I've Been Asking Myself: Well, How Did You Get Here?

This is something I've been thinking about quite a lot lately.

How did I get here?

I asked myself "how did I get here" just last week as I had to sell some amount of my possessions to afford food and gas until my first payday. I also asked myself "how did I get here" while washing my underwear in the sink because I didn't have any money to spare for laundry. I also was contemplating going to a mission I know about that let's homeless people wash their clothes for free. What a humbling feeling.

Then, on the way to sell a large amount of my books and movies, I saw a man. He was standing at an intersection holding a cardboard sign asking for anything anyone could spare. And it made me feel a couple different things: things could always be worse, I wish I had something to give, and he may be on to something.

How do we get here.

What route did he take? I will never know. But I know what route I took. I took the route you are expected to take. After high school, you go to college and put in four years. And then, presumably, you get a grown-up job that pays for the education you earned. Oh wait, THERE ARE NO GROWN-UP JOBS. We're told that we can do anything we want when we grow up. There should be a big asterisks after that statement. You cannot do anything you want. You are at the mercy of the market.

What really difficult about this whole situation: my generation is totally getting shit on. Our options are scarce for any sort of future success that has been ingrained and pushed towards us since middle school. I have a 4-year degree for which I had to take out loans - private loans (i.e., no mercy loans). I made the devastating realization that I will probably NEVER be able to buy a house on my own. I've broken my parents who have me as a financial burden at almost the age of 24. My financial situation is not only a strain on me and my parents but our relationship as well. Every fight we have is about money. Money makes me anxious and uncomfortable - because I have no money. And I don't foresee an end to these issues for years to come.

The only way out of this mess is more school. The jobs I can get will not pay me for the degree or experience I have so, therefore, I will never catch up on my loans. If I'm in school, I can request an in-school deferment. But that means spending more money. I got into grad school (again) but I'm yet to see if I will get it paid for because I am so broke, they take pity on me for once. If not, I cannot/will not go because I cannot/will not take out more loans from the government or from the private sector. And then what will I do?

How did I get here? And how the hell do I get out?

I know I'm on the right track and the job I have now. It feels good here. It's not what I necessarily want to do with my life. I'm a researcher at heart. I like getting solutions to issues in our society of humans. I don't think that would be fulfilled here. Maybe someday I will get to the point where I'm comfortable with my finances and I feel good about me and the decisions I made in my life. But it seems a long way off and fairly unobtainable right now. I'm stuck spinning my wheels paying for an education that I can't use with a job that can't afford it.